Over the past several days, a certain Star Trek: The Next Generation prose piece has ensnared the popular imagination the world over. It's a story that's been recycled since time immemorial, due to its sheer cross-cultural thematic resonance.
I am, of course, referring to author Kitty Glitter's Amazon Kindle tour de force Wesley Crusher: Teenage **** Machine, an edifying fable in which the Enterprise's resident rascal has a sexual awakening during a threesome with a barbed-penised cat man. Also, Captain Jean Luc Picard is walloped in the gonads.
Very little is known about the narrative genesis of Wesley Crusher: Teenage **** Machine. In fact, Wesley Crusher portrayer Wil Wheaton was completely uninvolved with this radical redefinition of the character. "I don't have to read Wesley Crusher, Teenage **** Machine, Dottie. I lived it," opined Wheaton on Twitter. "Well, except for the **** machine part."
Since debuting on Amazon February 15,WC:TFM has catapulted up the Kindle sales charts — as of this post's publication date,Wesley Crusher was the 47th most popular Action & Adventure Kindle book for sale. Its meteoric rise may have something to do with the fact that Amazon Prime users can download it for free — as happy reviewer April notes, "Clearly worth the $0.00 it took to get this thing onto my Kindle. I would have happily paid twice that amount." (continued in the article)
I read it on myriud.socialenginemarket.com, and although it's absurd, it's quite hilarious (except a rather violent scene at the Circle K at the end). This part is just too much :
“What is the meaning of this?” said Captain Picard.
Wesley stopped his ****ing and turned around to look directly at none other than Captain Jean Luc Picard.
“Sup Picard?” said Wesley.
“An orgy aboard the holodeck?” shouted Picard, “This is an outrage!”
Prof. Moriarty suddenly materializes in front of Picard brandishing a silver pistol and shoots the Captain in his balls.
Picard collapses to the floor screaming in agony.
“Your days of blathering on are over Picard,” said Moriarty, “now call that guy with the beard and tell him Moriarty said he was filthy animal.”
“RIKER!” screamed Picard, “You are of course referring to Will Riker, one of the finest officers I have ever served with.”
Wesley and Meow Solo stepped off he girl and pulled their skintight pants up.
“Whatevs Picard,” said Wesley, “nobody cares who you served with, the Enterprise is totally doomed. I filled this chamber up with space gas.”
“NO!” cried Picard.
“Meow Solo, go get the SHO ready!”
“Sure Wes,” said Meow Solo as he ran from the holodeck chamber.
“Moriarty c’mon let’s go!” said Wesley.
“Unfortunately sir Wesley I do not exist outside the confines of the holodeck,” said Moriarty.
“Whatevs,” said Wesley as he pressed a bunch of random buttons on the wall, “I’m Wesley Crusher!”
Moriarty stepped out of the holodeck, “OMG! I am real now, this rules!”
“Okay guys,” said Wesley, “When I light this match the whole Enterprise is gonna go kaboom!”
“We’ve got room for seven in the SHO. Me, Meow, Mary-Sue, the two other girls, Moriarty and…”
“Wait, take me with you yo,” said Geordi Laforge as he ran into the chamber.
“Yo Geordi, what’s up?” said Wesley, “of course you can come. Let’s split!”
So Wesley Crusher, the three girls, Moriarty, and Geordi Laforge ran down to the loading dock and boarded the Taurus SHO. The SHO was the fastest ship in the galaxy; Meow Solo claimed it made the Lesben Run in under sixty-nine parclits.
“I am Captain Jean Luc Picard!” screamed Captain Picard as the lit match Wesley had thrown behind him ignited the space gas in the chamber.
The SHO shot off into space just as the Enterprise exploded, vaporizing Picard, the entire crew of the Enterprise, and even Wesley’s own mother Dr. Bev Crusher.